Meditation practice helps us relinquish old, painful habits; it challenges our assumptions about whether or not we deserve happiness. (We do, it tells us emphatically.) It also ignites a very potent energy in us. With a strong foundation in how to practice meditation, we can begin to live in a way that enables us to respect ourselves, to be calm rather than anxious, and to offer caring attention to others instead of being held back by notions of separation.
So, here I am writing at 2am in the morning, because I'm impatient. Or I am feeling impatient. Maybe even, this mind is feeling impatient. Ahhh, that really takes the load off - not identifying with the state of being I may be in right now. This week has been unproductive, and I have found myself feeling glum and VERY restless. For the first couple of days, I really did not know why. I just thought it was a state of being that my body and mind needed to go through and then I'd get out of it. I wasn't looking for any truth within. (As if to say, suppressing one's feelings have ever worked). Today, however (or yesterday now) I figured it out: impatience. This word shot to the front of my mind and emblazoned its letters right behind my mind's eye. The state of being I'm in right now is impatience. In my mind I want to run. Fast. I want to get out of college and just run into my life. I feel like I'm not living the way I want to. I'm done with this stage of my life. I want to move on. I don't know what my life will entail but I want it to be here now. I want the future as the present and I don't want to do the work in between. I want the next step. I want. I want. I want. Obviously there is something that I need to fulfill right now. I need a purpose. I feel like my purpose is looming in the future. It hasn't reached me yet - I'm still far away. As I get older, my purpose will drift closer. Slowly it will start to reveal itself. When, oh when will that happen?! I'm tired of waiting, I'm growing restless and I'm impatient. At least for now. I'm reading Aristotle's Politics right now, and he says our purpose is to live for the city/state. To be a part of a community and do our part to benefit the city/state we live in. Maybe not in so many words, but that's the general gist, from what I understand. It made me really reflect on my purpose, because of how clearly I disagree with his point. I don't think we are destined to do our part in a community and serve the government. If that was the case, what would be the point of living? But then, if that isn't our purpose, what is? Stagnant, I lay still Paralyzed by impatience Restless with paralysis Free, I'd like to run With the birds, I'd like to fly To explore the unknown is a gift Sitting in the middle of an undiscovered forest Laying on the Earth Nature's love seeping into every pore of this BEING The Earth cradling this being Whispering softly to just feel what is Discovering what is Stillness is now Love is now Now. Freedom awaits.
Hmm... I just needed to write. Get some of my thoughts out and who knows if this will even get published? But... here we go! Life is ever-changing, and constantly evolving. Nothing is stagnant and all we can do is be here. To say that changes in my life are happening is obvious. Change is happening right now as I write this. I always feel that when I notice that something changes, my world is lifted, turned over, mushed around a bit and then put back into place all wrong. Like a bunch of puzzle pieces not fitting together. After a couple of days it starts to settle and return back to (or maybe create a new) "normal". Does that make sense? Today is July 4th, so Happy Independence Day! Being here, right now is important, especially to be grateful and appreciative of what we have in this country. Freedom. I feel like July 4th is a day that I can be present. I can be here, with my body. Unintentionally, (or maybe intentionally, but now it is forgotten) it is a day of self-reflection. Looking at what I'm doing in my life, could I have done it if I wasn't living here? I was having a conversation today with a friend who moved here from El Salvador, 9 years ago. He was so appreciative of the opportunity he has to do something with his life, which he didn't have in El Salvador. The opportunity and the resources just weren't there. There was no chance that he could own his own business or be his own boss and he was full of wonder of accomplishing so much in such little time. I take that for granted every day, but today I didn't. I was grateful to live in America, even though it is nosy and trigger-happy all the time. I was present in the feeling of being happy that I live here, where I have the opportunity to go help others who did not have the life that I was, miraculously, given.
I also LOVE fireworks. They're amazing and I feel like I'm a kid again. I just sit and watch with such wonder. During the fireworks there were lightening bugs (fireflies) flying all around us. It was such a blissful moment. There was a terrifyingly beautiful lightening storm as we were pulling out of the parking lot. There was a lot to see and appreciate tonight. The beauty of tonight and the beauty of nature was so painfully apparent. It was wondrous.
So, I learned from Google, that the other day (June 5) was the 79th anniversary of Drive-In Theaters.
I love the idea of Drive-In Movies; they're classy and romantic. It might be because I grew up on Happy Days reruns and I'm in love with the concept of this "old-fashioned" romance. Whatever. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, I just hide it most of the time! I've only ever been to a Drive-In Movie once, 7 or 8 years ago. It was fantastic, we took out chairs and watched on the big screen. But it's not the same when you go with your whole family (not exaggerating - aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmas, grandpas, etc. EVERYONE was there!). Obviously, lacking that classic romantic feeling.
In modern day culture, the youth, like myself, don't do these types of things any more. We don't have the special occasions that entail going out for a movie. That's not considered special, just average. Dates rarely occur anymore. At least, solo dates rarely occur anymore; where just the couple go alone. That old fashioned wooing is absent from our society nowadays. Guys don't ask girls to "go steady" and women don't expect it. I understand, as a feminist myself, the idea of women independence and whatnot, but what's wrong with some good old-fashioned romance? Come on guys, is chivalry really dead? Does it have to be? Why can't a guy ask you out and take you to a dinner and a movie, where you just talk and enjoy each other's company? Why can't we have guys like Ron Howard or Henry Winkler's The Fonz anymore? We either have the dicks, the jocks or the nice guys... oh wait, I forgot, they're taken.
So... Pretty Little Liars. It's a silly little show on ABC Family about a group of 4 girls who deal with their friends murder. It's an addicting show; definitely a guilty pleasure. Anyway, that's not the point...divulging my embarrassing small pleasures in life can be saved for another time! I am watching, and as I have said earlier, I've been going through a rut, a rough time - basically I have a lot of hard decisions to make and I don't know how to make them. At some point we have to go off and be our own person and choose our independent lives over the comfort of whatever we may have right now. And that's hard... but more on that later.
It's just surprising for me to say how amazing this show is. Now, after calling it silly and a guilty pleasure, why would I say that? Well, because it is. It really shows how people's relationships can work and how different aspects of our lives transform constantly. In particular, they talk a lot about family acceptance. Parents being there for you no matter what. Parents transforming to fit their child's needs and help out in whatever way they know how. And even if they don't know how, trying to learn. It must be amazing in real life to have that support and unconditional acceptance. Many of us do not have that, but we shouldn't pine over it. But it's something to definitely accept and realize about our lives. But off of that point, one character said something to the affect of "Unlike your family, they'll accept you no matter what, that's what friends are for". I feel like in so many ways that is true. We make our families, or at least I've made my family with my friends and the people I surround myself with. The closest people to me in my life are not blood related to me, yet I consider them to be my sisters. Unconditional love is not always a guarantee, but when you find it, it's fantastic and something to be cherished. I was just thinking about this, as I just finished watching the episode. Anyway, something to mull over. I like how this show is making me think... but at the same time isn't a guilty pleasure a way to escape reality? Haha, oh well...
So as I mentioned earlier, I am reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I could not be enjoying this book more. I'm at a point in my life where I don't know how to move forward. I'm stuck in a rut and no matter how much I'm doing to get unstuck, it's not working... except maybe that I'm reading this book. I love how she really delves deep into the raw emotion of the human condition. Her experience initially stems from a divorce, but the feelings, the humanity; it's all the same. She really lays her life, her flaws and her emotions naked and exposed. This book is just a reflection of pure honesty, not even with the world, but with oneself.
I consider myself to be an honest person. However, I'm definitely not 100% honest with myself all the time, as most of us aren't. And reading this book has just opened up my eyes to how dishonest I can be with myself at times. I'm not in tune with my body right now. I don't know what's going on in my mind half the time. I'm not completely scattered, but I'm not here. In the now. It's hard to be, of course, as most meditators know. But I notice myself saying "oh, when the conditions change, I'll start..." Well that's not how things change, there doesn't necessarily have to be a catalyst in order to change. Just a constant reminder that things will never change unless we ourselves are motivated for that change. This reminder helps to be attuned with ourselves, our bodies and our minds. Where I can be attuned with myself, this body and this mind.
I love how real this book is. She's such a genuine person, who has just been completely honest in this book of self-reflection and journey to healing. I deal with so many people nowadays who are just so terribly fake. Or who expect others to be a certain way. There's one in particular that is big in American society - this constant, nagging, disgusting feeling that I need to be a joyous, happy person all the time, with no qualms, troubles or problems that arise. To be fake. To be American. To be a newcanaaner (the phony town, with mostly phony people that I grew up with, as Holden Caulfield would describe it). Whatever you want to call it. And then there's this great idea that if someone has too many problems, that they're just too much trouble to deal with. That they're not worth it, because they're not 'fun' all the time. Well, dammit, who is? Who the fuck can be happy, problem-free all the time? No one. People who act this way are hiding their problems, tucking them away for no one to find, not even themselves. I tried doing this many years ago and it blew up in my face. I learned never again to do that again because I need to be honest and open about who I am at all times. It's just who I am. I'm appropriate about it and I have a filter and just don't attack people with the first thought that pops up in my head. But I cannot be fake. I cannot be phony. I can only be me. This me right now.
I'm also at that point in my life that when someone says "How are you?" I cannot bring myself to say "Good, thank you. And yourself?" No I just say "Okay. You?" Because that's all I can be right now is OK. I can't be bouncy and happy (Maybe if you give me a shot or two ;), I'm just OK for right now. I feel bad sometimes, other times I feel some relief from the pressure that is forever crushing down on my chest. But otherwise I'm just OK and that's all I can be. Basically, what I'm saying is that Elizabeth Gilbert and her incredibly honest book is telling me that it's okay to just be OK. It's okay to have a million and one problems, because we're all human and it happens. As long as we're aware of it and work towards happiness and healing, we'll be OK and that makes it OK to answer the ever-common question of "How are you today?" with "Okay. You?"
